Perfectionism is Harming Your Relationship with Your Child—Here’s How to Fix It

If you’ve ever felt like you’re drowning in the pressure to be the perfect parent, you’re not alone. Many of us wrestle with the impossible standards we set for ourselves, often forgetting that parenting is about connection, not perfection.

Jenna’s Story

Growing up, Jenna was the “perfect” child. She followed the rules, earned straight As, and dedicated herself to community service. In college, she excelled academically while climbing the ranks at her retail job. Her peers admired her drive, and she believed there was nothing she couldn’t achieve with hard work.

Then, Jenna had her second child, and everything changed. Struggling to balance work and home responsibilities, she felt overwhelmed, inadequate, and like a complete fraud. Nights often ended in tears, as shame and guilt consumed her thoughts: “If only they knew what a terrible mom I am.”

Jenna hadn’t realized she was trying to juggle too much—maintaining her career, keeping a spotless home, cooking healthy meals, and managing her social life—all while meeting the physical and emotional demands of her toddler and preschooler. She expected herself to continue living as though nothing had changed.

Her perfectionism, ingrained since childhood, had now seeped into her parenting. She placed unrealistic expectations on herself and her kids, leaving her exhausted and disconnected. What she needed was a mindset shift and strategies to break free from these patterns. With time and intentional effort, she made those changes—and discovered joy in her parenting journey.

Why Perfectionism Hurts Your Parenting

Parenting perfectionism is the relentless pursuit of being a flawless parent who never makes mistakes, always has the answers, and ensures their children excel in every way. It’s dangerous because children are individuals with their own thoughts, preferences, and needs. While we can certainly teach them the right way and model good morals to them, they will not automatically have our same drive, work ethic, desires, and goals.

Sources of Perfectionism:

• Fear of judgment: Worrying about what others think can lead to prioritizing appearances over genuine connection. For example, when your toddler is struggling because they are hungry, your first instinct might be to correct their behavior for fear of judgment of the “tantrum” rather than to consider and meet the child’s need.

• Social media comparisons: The highlight reels of others can leave you feeling like you’re falling short. You may wonder how everyone seems to be managing it all so well when you can barely make it through the day. You might obsess over milestones and wonder why your child isn’t walking at 11 months or reading at 5 like some of her peers.

• Unresolved childhood issues: Things you dealt with in your childhood may drive the need to overcompensate. For example, a parent teased about their weight as a child might obsessively monitor their own children’s diet and appearance.

The Hidden Costs of Perfectionism

Perfectionism doesn’t just exhaust you—it affects your children, too:

1. Parental Burnout: Constantly striving for perfection steals your joy and leaves you feeling like a failure.

2. Strained Relationships: Kids may feel they can’t measure up, creating emotional distance.

3. Harm to Self-Esteem: Children of perfectionist parents may develop anxiety, fear of failure, or a belief that they must always perform flawlessly.

How to Break Free From Perfectionism

1. Shift Your Mindset

Take time to reflect on what truly matters. Ten years from now, will anyone remember how spotless your house was? Likely not. Prioritize connection over perfection.

Action Step:

• List your non-negotiables—things that only you can do, like cooking for your kids or helping with homework. Build your schedule around those priorities, and let the rest go. Getting a visual of what you can realistically do will help you have grace for yourself.

2. Practice Self-Awareness

Perfectionism often creeps in unnoticed. Pause when frustration arises and ask yourself:

• Is this expectation realistic?

• Am I taking on too much?

Action Step:

• Set regular “check-ins” to reassess your responsibilities and expectations.

• Consider triggers, like public tantrums or school performance, and focus on your why instead of external pressures. Is your image in front of strangers you will never see again more important than building connection and repair with your child?

3. Prioritize Self-Care

You can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself helps you show up as a better parent.

Action Step:

• Celebrate small wins daily. You will begin to appreciate your hard work more and your children will feel valued and validated.

• Instead of scrolling social media, use that time for meaningful rest or activities that energize you.

  
  

4. Redefine Success

Ask yourself: What does success as a parent truly look like? Is it having a Pinterest-perfect home? Is it having perfectly behaved children? It’s likely not about perfect meals or flawless schedules but fostering connection and love.

Action Step:

• Think about what your children will remember in 20 years: time spent together, laughter, and feeling valued—not material things or outward perfection.

5. Allow Space for Mistakes

Children of perfectionistic parents often feel the pressure imposed upon them to do everything well. When you model how to handle failure gracefully, you teach your children resilience.

Action Steps:

• Apologize to your children each time you fall short or make a mistake and share with your children how you are growing as a person and a mom.

• Teach and work together over punishing or criticizing. For example, instead of scolding your child for forgetting their homework, work together on creating a checklist or system to help them prepare better next time.

6. Build a Support System

Surround yourself with people who value authenticity over appearances. If you have acquaintances who constantly criticize your parenting, set boundaries or limit contact.

Action Step:

• Seek out friendships with parents who embrace imperfection and can support you on your journey.

Give Yourself (and Your Kids) Permission to Be Imperfect

Letting go of perfectionism will not only make parenting more joyful but also raise confident, resilient, and happy children.

Parenting isn’t about being flawless—it’s about showing up with love and authenticity.

What’s one small thing you can let go of today to embrace imperfection? Share your thoughts in the comments and inspire other parents on this journey!